The P*nis Poem
(The first
stanza of this poem is well over 50 years old; when I first heard it, a
couple of years ago, it was ripe for an update, so I added a second stanza.)
(Note: some net denizens, apparently without scruples, have
appropriated this poem without attribution. While imitation is said to
be the sincerest form of flattery, would it kill you to say where you got
this? Plagiarism ain't cool, dude.)
My nookie days are over
My pilot
light is out
What used
to be my sex appeal
Is now my
water spout
Time was
when, on its own accord
From my
trousers it would spring
But now
I've got a full-time job
To find
the blasted thing
It used
to be embarrassing
The way
it would behave
For every
single morning
It would
stand and watch me shave
Now as old
age approaches
It sure
gives me the blues
To see it
hang its little head
And watch
me tie my shoes
But hark! There might be hope here.
A cure, it's in the news.
Ol' Henry will stand proud again,
And end his hang-dog blues.
I can go and hit the clubs once more,
I'm older, but no wiser,
'Cause I'll be thinking with my Johnson,
And I owe it all to Pfizer.
Limericks
For the math
whizzes (from a graffito on an MIT men's room stall)
Take
x, multiply it by two;
Times dx, now here's what you do:
Integrate it between
Limits ten and thirteen,
Solved it yet? Are you licked? Then you're through!
Not unlike Coors Lite
A gift only her parents could give her:
The thought of it just made her shiver.
What her folks had achieved,
Was that she’d been conceived,
In their favorite canoe, on the river.
Keith
There once was a young man named Keith,
A masochist, down underneath.
It's often been
said,
When his girls
gave him head,
He'd say, "Don't be shy; use your
teeth!"
for RBB
There once was a man from Seattle,
And about his great love life he'd
prattle;
But the women
were bored there,
For none he had
scored there,
You see: he had a preference for
cattle.
Written 12/19/1998
The Congressman spoke up, so hearty,
Saying, "Here's why we impeach him,
you smarty:
It's not just
the Bummer,
Of the Lies or
the Hummer;
Most important, he's not of our party!"
Lil Miss Beret
Sung by the Big Boffer (also written
in December, 1998)
Lil Miss Beret had a trampy
way
And her undie straps
Showin' Thongs -
A little head bob
'n' A little head job
Make a Prez do Wrong Wrong Wrong
There ain't nuthin' in DC
Like she done to me
To make me Catch The Bug
Make me Lie Like a Rug
Make me give into my shame
Make me sorry I came
Like a cad - Oh, Baby, that's-a
what I like!
What's that, honey?
Pick you up at 8?
And ejaculate?
But......I don't want NOOOO...
Mess on a Dress.
Huh? Hunh? Hunh!
Oh, Baby, you Know what I Like!